My Favourite Funny Sporting Quotations

By Walter Lawler

 Since the observations and comments of sport’s stars, and sports commentators, have been recorded, we’ve had some unique statements.  They’ve ranged from funny, bizarre, witty, oxymoronic, moronic truisms, malapropisms to downright stupid! Here’s a flavor of my favourites, I’m not going for the more famous examples, just ones that make me giggle!



“My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7” – David Beckham

“I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock” – Barry Venison

Barry Venison, expert tips on togging out










“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel – Stuart Pearce

“I’m as happy as I can be-but I have been happier” –  Ugo Ehiogu

“Is the Pope Catholic. No, I’m serious. I really need to know.” – David Beckham

“We didn’t underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought” – Bobby Robson

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again” – Terry Venables

“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.” – Mark Draper


All below from Kevin Keegan, bizarre!

“The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they’re not careful”

“The tide is very much in our court now”

“It’s understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney”

“You can’t play with a one-armed goalkeeper…not at this level”

“I don’t think there’s anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona”

“There’ll be no siestas in Madrid tonight”



“Several broken sticks, two broken heads, and two bruised fingers were part of the afternoon’s play, for hurling, the Irish national game is the fastest and probably the most dangerous of sports. It is a combination of hockey, football, golf, baseball, battle and sudden death. It was a real Irish game.”

Daily Mail
Reporting on a match held in London (1921).


“And Tom Cheasty breaks through with Kilkenny defenders falling around him like dying wasps.”

Mícheál O’Hehir


“When my friends were besotted with Jason Donovan, my heroes were Colm O’Rourke and Barney Rock.”

Sue Ramsbottom
Former Laois Ladies Football Captain.


“That referee must have no wipers on his glasses!”

Eddie Moroney
From his 1992 commentary of Aherlow’s U21 Tipperary county win.


“There won’t be a cow milked in Finglas tonight.”

Keith Barr
After Erin’s Isle 1998 All-Ireland Club semi win.


“Mark Carpenter, the Carlow centre forward, will be the last person to let you down – he’s an undertaker and his people have been for generations.”

Mícheál Ó Muircheartaigh

Keith Barr, expert on the Agri sector in Finglas









“Get your retaliation in first,” Willie John McBride, captain of the famous 1974 Invincibles, told his team-mates.

“Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.” Legendary words delivered by Brian O’Driscoll ahead of Ireland’s Six Nations clash with England in 2009

“You guys line up alphabetically by height” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” – New Zealand Hurricanes head coach Colin Cooper.

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” – Tana Umaga narrows down his parents.

“We’ve lost seven of our last eight matches. Only team that we’ve beaten was Western Samoa. Good job we didn’t play the whole of Samoa.” – Gareth Davies (1989)

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” – Jerry Collins (New Zealand)

Willie John McBride, Ireland and Lions, insightful on how to protect yourself on the field.











“I’m so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my bedroom and was in bed before the room was dark.” – Muhammad Ali

“I fought Sugar [Ray Robinson] so many times that I’m lucky I didn’t get diabetes.” – Jake LaMotta

“The hero and the coward both feel the same thing, but the hero uses his fear, projects it onto his opponent, while the coward runs. It’s the same thing, fear, but it’s what you do with it that matters.” – Cus D’Amato

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious. – Alan Minter

“If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.” – Muhammad Ali

“And here’s Moses Kiptanui – the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago” – David Coleman, Sports commentator

“There’s nothing wrong with the car except that it’s on fire.” – Murray Walker

“That’s inches away from being millimetre perfect” – Snooker commentator Ted Lowe

The Ever Loquacious Muhammad Ali










And finally, Yogi Berra:

The baseball catcher with the Yankees, 1946-65, deserves a section of his own.  The name of the cartoon character Yogi Bear, which first appeared in 1958, was similar enough to Berra’s name that he considered suing Hanna-Barbera, but Hanna-Barbera claimed that the similarity of the names was just a coincidence.

“This is like deja vu all over again.”

“You can observe a lot just by watching.”

“He must have made that before he died.” – Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.

“Do you mean now?” — When asked for the time.

“I take a two-hour nap, from one o’clock to four.”

“I made a wrong mistake.”

“You should always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”

“Predictions are difficult. Especially about the future.”

“The future ain’t what it used to be”.

“The only colour I don’t wear is navy brown”.

“I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopaedia, let them walk to school like I did.”

“If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be.”

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

“If you don’t know where you’re going you might end up some place else”.

“It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility”.

“It was impossible to get a conversation going, everyone was talking too much”.

“Nobody goes there anymore, it’s too crowded”.

“You better cut the pizza in four pieces, cos I’m not hungry enough to eat six”.

“Even Napoleon had his Watergate”.

“Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true”.

“I didn’t really say everything I said”.

“90% of baseball is mental, the other half is physical”.

Yogi Berra

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